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one thing i feel like i'll never really be able to understand on a deep intuitive level, though obviously i accept it's true and grasp it on an intellectual level, is that nothing is static and everything is changing all the time. i often find myself feeling like i wish i could freeze myself in a moment that lasts forever -- a moment where my body feels good and healthy, my loved ones are healthy and happy, and the world is calm and easy. and i find myself fearing the times when these things aren't true anymore. i find it very difficult, at first, to accept changes in my body. i always feel like i just got used to this thing the way it is and then suddenly it's changed again and i have to figure out how to accept it as it is again, and again, and again. these are all leftover fears from childhood i never figured out how to resolve. my manner of coping with fear of aging in childhood was just to tell myself i'd die before i ever had to worry about it. once i finally accepted that i wasn't ever going to kill myself, and that i didn't want to, all the old fears i had been papering over with suicidal ideation came rushing back in. and they are things that i am not sure there is any way to intellectualize a resolution to. i just eventually have to figure out how they fit into me and how i fit into them, over and over and over again.